Worried about your child
getting into college?
And he's not in high school yet?

by Maria Chesley Fisk, Ph.D.

We want the best for our kids - and sometimes they don't have the maturity to do what we know is best for them in the long run. Which can lead to parental pleading: "Please study! Please apply yourself!! Please pay attention!!! This is important!!! How will you ever get a scholarship with grades like this?!?!?" I venture to guess that most of us with children in fifth grade and up have said something like this. I hear from parents when they are pretty sure it's gotten to the point that the nagging is counterproductive-- turning kids off from doing well in school and damaging the parent-child relationship.

What can you do? How can you find balance and encourage your child to learn and do well in school? And what about college? Try these ideas:

• When your child is working on homework or a project, it's better to occasionally toss in a surprise reward for work done than to dangle a promised carrot to motivate his efforts. "Great, you finished and did quality work [only say that if it's true]! I especially like _________. I think there's time for an ice cream run before bedtime!" This approach encourages intrinsic motivation- I'll finish because it feels good to do good work and be self-reliant. Intrinsic motivation is what self-directed, productive learners are made of. Promises of extrinsic rewards like money or making mom happy are, well, just not very motivating in the long run. They often turn learning into a job, rather than a joy unto itself.


• We learn from our mistakes. If you have been monitoring your child's school work to the point that he is not taking responsibility for himself, you need to step back and let your child take ownership and live the rewards and consequences of his efforts. Particularly before grades really matter in high school, failure can be an excellent teacher. Some parents skip the short-term conflict and succumb to doing the school work themselves so their child doesn't get a bad grade - which just convinces the child they can't do it themselves. And is a bad, bad idea.


• Help your child feed his passion and learn to learn. Give your child the time and resources (as reasonable) to learn more about whatever he is interested in, whether it is a school topic or not. Be creative together. If he needs parts to build a go-cart or fabric to make a costume, check out your area's thrift stores or scrap yards for parts and pieces. Pursuing a passion, sharing and learning from others, and showing achievement in out-of-school time looks great on a college application, too. More on this.


• About college. It may not be as hard to get that scholarship as you think. College tuitions have been increasing, but many kids who need financial support are getting some. According to a College Board report, in 2009-10, the average undergraduate student received $11,461 in financial aid, including $6,041 in grant aid (which doesn't have to be repaid) and $4,883 in federal loans. Of course, there are those loans to repay down the road.


• Those with college degrees are more likely to make a decent living, no doubt. However, it's possible that college degrees will become less critical for *some* jobs over the next decade and that other ways to "show what you know" will become more important. Free courses and other open educational resources (OERs) are popping up all over the internet. Those hiring in the technology sector are developing badges that can be earned by showing proficiency in, for example, creating a website with a particular software program (see Mozilla's beta badge project).


• Success in life takes more than book smarts and good grades. "Asked what it takes for a young person to succeed in the world, 61% say a good work ethic is extremely important and 57% say the same about knowing how to get along with people. Just 42% say the same about a college education," according to a report by the Pew Research Center. Try focusing on helping your child develop those character traits and a byproduct may be better grades.

It's easier for kids if they do well in school. I get that, and I struggle with this issue with my own children. I meet with their teachers to share what I observe and look for ways we can work together. And I call out spelling words, try to show I value their achievement without communicating that grades are the only thing that matter, and worry that I should go about it differently or better. It's a balancing act, an art, and it's not going to end until they are in college, if ever. It helps to think through how you will calmly handle the next time your child doesn't want to do his homework. Kids are learning all the time- whether it's what we want them to be learning or not. Help your child know he is a learner full of potential by supporting his pursuit of his passions and balancing the practical importance of doing well in school with the importance of being socially intelligent, creative, and fulfilled. Hopefully, the college bit will fall into place when the time comes.

Teach Your Kids to Think includes tools for helping kids get motivated, stay motivated, do quality work, and many more. For more information on developing your child's analytical, creative, social & emotional, and practical intelligence, visit Dr. Fisk's website www.ThinkParenting.com.